This past week marked the first anniversary of my mother’s passing. I have shared in this newsletter how I have tried to deal with my grief. I think that it is essential to note that grieving is a process that is as different and unique as every person who goes through it.
Some experts define “stages” of grief while others point to the ebbs and flows of sadness. For me, many of my routines, my thoughts, my conversations…they revolved around this person who had been my best friend, my therapist, my cheerleader, my confidant…for my entire life.
I am still adjusting, changing, evolving but she is not here to see it anymore. At least not in the form that I’m used to seeing her. There have been improvements. I am not waking up every day with a gnawing feeling in my stomach or a literal ache in my chest. That only happens once in a while now.
I can talk about her without my eyes filling with tears. I can smile when I recall our lives together and all of the wonderful memories we made…
I am not picking up the phone as often, instinctually starting to dial her phone number. Missing our daily conversations is one of my biggest adjustments.
Adjusting…is that what you call this? I’m not sure. It feels so unnatural, so surreal, so unbelievable at times.
Yet it is the natural “circle of life” - we all have a beginning, a middle and an end. If we are lucky, we get to enjoy a long, full life. My mother had that and yet I find myself wishing for more…
Which brings me to the idea of legacy. In the end, that is what each of us will be remembered for - as the saying goes, “The things you do for yourself are gone when you are gone but the things you do for others remain as your legacy.”
So I guess the next question is how can we keep my mother’s legacy going?
Well, I think it is very simple. Do what Mom would do. Treat everyone you meet with love, respect and kindness. See the beauty in everyday life. Follow your passions. Embrace each and every moment. Don’t forget to take time to laugh and have a good time.
Spend as much time as you can outdoors absorbing the natural world around us. Don’t be afraid to make mistakes and maybe, more importantly, forgive yourself (and others) when you or they do.
In essence, try to make this world a better place. Hug those around you and end every conversation the way she did with the heartfelt words “Love ya, Love ya!”
Someone once told me that grief is the price we pay for having wonderful people in our lives; for loving them and being loved by them. It’s a steep price but the way our lives are touched and the memories we are left with make it worth it.
In the book Call the Midwife there is a beautiful passage I would like to end with, “So in the end we can choose to be happy, to make much out of little...to embrace the beauty of our ordinary days. Life unfolds as a mystery, an enterprise whose future cannot be predicted. We sometimes do not get what we expect, we stumble, we are faced with imperfection and our landscapes shift through sunshine and in shade. But we must remember that there is light and you just need to look for it.
Look for it shining over your shoulder from the past. It was light where you went once. It is light where you are now. It will be light where you will meet again.”
Until we meet again Mom…love ya, love ya!
This week’s Smile Video
Steve Hartman hosts a special 30-minute episode featuring stories that celebrate moms and maternal figures everywhere. In “On The Road: Dear Mom,” Hartman introduces us to a mother who gets a second chance at attending prom; a man who journeys thousands of miles to be reunited with his mother; the search for the world’s greatest mom, and more.
#believe #stevehartman #smilevideos
What I am reading…
This week I decided to return to one of my all-time favorite books, Flags of Our Fathers. The Memorial Day holiday, with Turner Classic Movies showing hours of war movies, reminded me of this book.
The Amazon summary is as follows: “To his family, John Bradley never spoke of the photograph or the war. But after his death at age seventy, his family discovered closed boxes of letters and photos. In Flags of Our Fathers, James Bradley draws on those documents to retrace the lives of his father and the men of Easy Company. Following these men’s paths to Iwo Jima, James Bradley has written a classic story of the heroic battle for the Pacific’s most crucial island—an island riddled with Japanese tunnels and 22,000 fanatic defenders who would fight to the last man.
But perhaps the most interesting part of the story is what happened after the victory. The men in the photo—three were killed during the battle—were proclaimed heroes and flown home, to become reluctant symbols. For two of them, the adulation was shattering. Only James Bradley’s father truly survived, displaying no copy of the famous photograph in his home, telling his son only: “The real heroes of Iwo Jima were the guys who didn’t come back.”
Few books ever have captured the complexity and furor of war and its aftermath as well as Flags of Our Fathers. A penetrating, epic look at a generation at war, this is history told with keen insight, enormous honesty, and the passion of a son paying homage to his father. It is the story of the difference between truth and myth, the meaning of being a hero, and the essence of the human experience of war.”
If you haven’t read it, I encourage you to do so. In key moments it will literally take your breath away.
This week’s TED Talk - Looking at the Other Side of Grief
I have watched TED Talks for many years now. I love the wide variety of experiences and opinions TED Talks offer. Here is one I would like to share for this week:
Join May as she talks of a lurking monster: grief. Follow her story of how she dealt with the monster, ultimately leading her to find her satisfaction and solace through gardening and farming. She found peace in discovering her true roots, and found a new uplifting hope and life for herself. Through her story, we can see how deep grief can be transformed into strong passion and purpose, giving us freedom we can celebrate.
Music Moment
May 31st marks the one year anniversary of losing my best friend. Words can not describe how much I miss her and what a lasting imprint she has left behind on so many people. My mother loved Irish music and at the very end of the service at the cemetery my Mom apparently planned for a soloist to sing her favorite Irish song - Every time I listen to it, I think of her…
Quote of the week
Until next week. Please remember…Begin and end each day with a grateful heart…and always, always be kind….