The Power of Words

overcoming bullying with kindness...

Feb 07, 2025

Last February I shared this book review on another Substack, entitled The Books That Made Us, which unfortunately no longer exists. One year later, it feels very relevant to share this book review again. I hope you are inspired from it to use the more difficult experiences of your life as learning tools rather than something you want to forget or suppress…as Brene Brown says, “One day you will tell your story of how you overcame what you went through and it will be someone else’s survival guide.”

Holding one of my all time favorite books.

"Words have energy and power with the ability to help, to heal, to hinder, to hurt, to harm, to humiliate, and to humble." -Yehuda Berg

If a person looks back at her life and searches for those moments that made a difference, that may have changed the course of her destiny, sometimes she can discover more about herself and perhaps find the answer to the question, “Who made me who I am today?”

Throughout my life I’ve been blessed with positive role models which included loving parents and siblings and supportive friends.

But unfortunately, in everyone’s life there are also situations, and people within those situations, who pull us in a negative direction. Their actions can be just as powerful, or sometimes even more so, then the positive influences.

In 2012, I read a book that played a pivotal role in my journey to more clearly understanding the answer to that original question. That book was Wonder by R.J. Palacio.

In her debut novel, Palacio used fifth-grader Auggie Pullman to teach her readers how important it is to get to know a person before you judge him.

Auggie was born with severe facial deformities and endured twenty-seven surgeries before he entered the 5th grade. He has lived a sheltered life and grown up being home-schooled by his mother but everything changes when he enrolls in a private prep school.

I will have to admit that the first time I read this book I was reminded of a turning point in my own childhood - my transition from a small, parochial elementary school to a large, public junior high school. The number of students in my grade jumped from twelve to over two hundred.

The small, family-like atmosphere was replaced with a large, institutional one. I went from being personally driven to school every day by my parents to riding a noisy, and at times, unruly, school bus.

Most significantly, during that time I became a target of bullying by a group of girls, led by one in particular. That verbal harassment would make the next two years of junior high the most disturbing portion of my life.

I think that’s what first drew me to this book. When I started to read Auggie’s fears and see his vulnerability through his thoughts, they were so relatable for me. The trauma that bullies instill in their victims can last years, and as I read Wonder, there were many moments that reminded me of my own life.

Auggie wasn’t just a fictional character for me. He felt like a real person.

For example, the author does an exceptional job of describing his outward appearance, little by little, throughout the book, while at the same time, showing you the strong, humorous and charming young man Auggie is on the inside.

Auggie wears a costume astronaut helmet for entertainment but mostly as a coping mechanism, for dealing with his disfigurement when going out in public.

“I wish everyday could be Halloween.” says Auggie, “We could all wear masks all the time. Then we could walk around and get to know each other before we got to see what we looked like under the masks.”

When Auggie experienced his first day of his new school, I knew what it felt like.

When you are the target of a bully, your self-esteem is basically crushed. Being put in situations where you are vulnerable to criticism or ridicule, can be devastating.

Bullying comes in many forms, and so did mine. It would begin for me at 6:50 am when I walked onto the school bus. Finding an empty seat was so important. If for some reason the bus was filled, and you had to share a seat, you were setting yourself up for a possible confrontation.

Early on, during my first few weeks of 7th grade, I innocently sat down next to a girl when there were other open seats on the bus. I was new and shy and was just trying to make friends. This girl turned and looked at me with an expression of total disgust, “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” she growled, “Get off my seat, you ugly bitch.”

As I write this, I can still feel my anger, feel the outsides of my ears burning, feel the pent-up rage, from something that happened over forty years ago.

Reading Wonder brought me back to that time in my life. But, perhaps more importantly, it also helped me deal with some of my feelings regarding those difficult years.

So how did this book do that?

Auggie is a unique and yet very relatable character. The awkwardness of what most people would agree is the worst time in a person’s life, the middle school years, is portrayed in a way that touches your heart, regardless of the age of the reader.

After the story develops, the author divides the book into parts that are narrated by each main character in Auggie’s life, giving a unique perspective on this story of courage in the face of bullying.

We meet Auggie's friends Summer and Jack, the first people at his school who Auggie becomes friends with, and who each, in their own way, see the amazing person that lies within him. Their individual narratives also give the reader another side of the events that Auggie first describes.

This is where I feel Palacio does an exceptional job as an author. Revealing the events of Auggie's story through each main character we get to see the “complete” picture, which is a rarity in a novel.

And then there are the many adults throughout this book that leave their own powerful impressions. Teachers like Mr. Browne, who uses “precepts”, to make his students really think about how their actions can make a difference in the world around them.

Or the principal, Mr. Tushman, who reminds some disgruntled parents that Auggie can’t help the way he looks but maybe we can change the way we see.

And of course, Auggie’s parents show the reader how it really does take a loving, cooperative relationship between two parents to make it through challenging life experiences. Their combined portrayals of humor and empathy show the reader that genetics is only part of the equation. When it comes to family dynamics, the environment in which children are raised is just as important.

For me personally, the scenes in the story that dealt with Auggie’s struggles with the bullies he encountered, in particular, the main antagonist, Julian, were among the most difficult to read.

Julian’s character represents to me the most common personality type of a bully. To adults, Julian shows his best side, appearing to be kind and considerate while in reality, he is actually mean and cruel. Being a covert narcissist seems to be a prerequisite for many bullies and Julian fits that mold.

However, Palacio does cleverly show the reader how most bullies, including Julian, usually have extreme insecurities and, as with every person, there is a backstory that can explain what events make them into who they are.

Ironically, for myself, the girl who started bullying me in 7th grade, became a friend of mine later in high school.

When the same group of girls that tormented me turned on her and she became the victim, I had a choice to ignore her or even participate in the ridicule. Instead, I took what I had learned from my experiences and reached out to her. We were not best friends, but I forgave her.

The topic of bullying is obviously close to my heart. Later on in my life, as a teacher and librarian, I made it one of my personal goals to teach my students the importance of kindness.

My library’s motto was “Be Kind, Work Hard, Have Fun”. In a time where we are inundated with technology, it was my hope to remind my students of what unites us as human beings – our ability, and our choice, to be kind and compassionate to others, through our words and our actions.

I used the book Wonder, and many of Mr. Browne’s precepts, within my own teaching. I found innovative ways to use the Socratic method for classroom discussions, and I used technology to get my students to create, not just consume.

Our projects reflected how we could use technology to lift each other up. I started showing my students what I called “Smile videos”, short human interest stories that portrayed people doing acts of kindness. Many times students would come in with hands raised asking, “What’s this week’s Smile video, Mrs. D?”

What I found was that students craved anything that was positive. They enjoyed seeing others succeed and they thrived when given a classroom environment where kindness was one of our main goals.

It is also the reason I started the Kindness Boomerang newsletter.

That’s why Wonder struck a chord with me. Auggie speaks for all of the marginalized kids throughout time. Even someone now in her 50’s who still remembers the bullied version of herself from 1983.

Words can hurt or they can heal…The choice is ours to make.

Wonder shows us how.

What do you think?

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Tranquil Moments…

I asked my niece, Jennifer Malphy, if she could share some of her nature photos with my newsletter audience. Each week I will feature a new photo. Here is this week’s:

This week’s Smile video…

A security guard at the Metropolitan Museum of Art now has a piece of art on display there thanks to a chance encounter with a museum curator. Steve Hartman has the story for "On the Road."

#believe #smilevideos #spreadkindnessandlove

What I am reading…

Inspired by an NPR program on the history of women as lighthouse keepers, I checked out from my local public library, Ladies of the Lights by Patricia Majher and I really enjoyed reading it!

Here is the Amazon summary: “Fifty-plus women served the sailing communities on Lakes Huron, Michigan, and Superior, as well as on the Detroit River, for more than 100 years. From Catherine Shook, who raised eight children while maintaining the Pointe Aux Barques light at the entrance to Saginaw Bay; to Eliza Truckey, who assumed responsibility for the lighthouse in Marquette while her husband fought in the Civil War; to Elizabeth Van Riper Williams, whose combined service on Beaver Island and in Harbor Springs totaled forty-one years---the stories of Michigan's "Ladies of the Lights" are inspiring.

This is no technical tome documenting the minutiae of Michigan's lighthouse specifications. Rather, it's a richly detailed portrait of the women who kept those lights, defying the gender expectations of their time.

Patricia Majher is editor of Michigan History magazine, published by the Historical Society of Michigan. Prior, she was assistant director of the Michigan Women's Historical Center and Hall of Fame in Lansing, Michigan. In addition, she has been a writer for more than thirty years and a frequent contributor to Michigan newspapers and magazines.”

This week’s TED Talk

Orly Wahba is an educator, entrepreneur, and community activist passionate about inspiring and motivating people to make the world a kinder place. In 2011, Orly founded Life Vest Inside, a non-profit organization with a mission to empower and unite the world with kindness. Through Life Vest Inside, Orly encourages people to embrace the incredible power of giving and recognize that in times of hardship, kindness, like a life vest, keeps the world afloat.